I Resolve To…

I always think long and hard about my New Year’s resolutions. Because they are very very important and can change the entire course of your life or maybe even history itself, you need to make sure that your resolutions are reasonable and tasteful, but also involve some extension of your natural abilities to keep you on your toes. I highly recommend that you make a list of your own. And then as you apply all of your energy to bringing the totality of your efforts into line with the resolutions you have made, you find yourself becoming a person that others admire and want to emulate. People stand aside in awe when you walk by and you can hear their hushed whispers echoing in your wake. The air appears clearer and objects seem to hold a muted glow as they come into your field of vision. Faint but majestic music can heard in your presence and people stand up straighter as they draw near you. At least it happens to me – your mileage may vary as they say.

So, here, for your inspiration, is my list of resolutions for 2008:

1. Once again this year, I promise to eat no fish. I hate fish and I like to make sure my first resolution is an easy one so I can get a good start on things.

2. I will not wear any of those really really pointy toed shoes. I think they look stupid and I like to make my second resolution as easy as the first since it encourages me to continue to other, perhaps more difficult resolutions.

3. Under no circumstances will I let my hair go grey. The people at L’Oreal deserve a job as much as anyone else and I will continue to support them in the fashion they have come to expect from me. I don’t care if Larry thinks I should join him in grey-dom, this is about people’s livelihoods and I am not going to mess with that.

4. In the same spirit, I will do my best to keep Verizon Wireless in business.

5. Ditto with several Upstate NY wineries – I believe in supporting local businesses. There is also that muted glow thing that I mentioned up above to consider.

6. I will mind my own business at all times and only offer opinions if I feel they have been sincerely sought by the recipient. I do have an under-appreciated talent for detecting this desire in people, often before they themselves are even aware of their need for knowing what I think, so please keep this in mind if you believe you have caught me breaking this resolution.

7. I will keep my eyebrows plucked. Since I have eyebrows that seem to indicate an unacknowledged genetic relationship to Andy Rooney, this is no small task. Putting it off only exacerbates the trouble though, so I resolve to stay on top of things.

8. I will eat in moderation. Actually, I will stay on plan and religiously log all my food in Weight Watchers for periods lasting several weeks at a time and then go completely berserk and eat whatever I want until I disgust myself. Rinse and repeat. This seems to work for me and is actually healthier than eating on plan all the time since at the rate I have lost weight with my method, eating right all the time would have resulted in my complete disappearance by now.

9. I will train my dog not to bite people who he does not know. I will let you know when I am on top of this one but until you hear from me, don’t get out of your car unless I come out and tell you it is ok.

10. I will blog every day unless I can think of a reason not to or I have a headache or something comes up that is really important or that I should/must do instead. Blogging gives me an excuse to spend my time writing twaddle [yes, twaddle] and screwing around with my camera and photo editing software, all of which I like a whole lot, so I am pretty sure I can keep this one.

Alright – it is up to you now. You can make a list of resolutions, or you can just flounder aimlessly through another year – let me know what you decide, ok?